


Let you down

by ifeellikeiamamidget



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Barry Allen Needs a Hug, Barry Allen is Savitar, Blood and Injury, F/M, Injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:55:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24336229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifeellikeiamamidget/pseuds/ifeellikeiamamidget
Summary: [3x15]: After suffering a painful injury, Barry reflects on all of the losses and the times he let his friends and family down as he waits for his body to mend itself. This is inspired by NF's song "Let you down"
Relationships: Barry Allen & Iris West & Joe West, Barry Allen & Joe West, Barry Allen & Wally West, Barry Allen/Iris West, Cisco Ramon & Caitlin Snow, Cisco Ramon & Iris West, Iris West & Joe West, Iris West & Wally West, Joe West & Wally West, Julian Albert & Caitlin Snow
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	Let you down

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy this really long One-Shot. Trust me, it took all day yesterday and then some of this morning to write it.

Barry looked around his surroundings in a daze, his eyes trying to desperately find something to focus on, to help take the pain away. His shoulder burned, it felt as if a thousand fires had been lit on his skin, and if he touched it then the fires would spread. There were people chattering away, well more like screaming, in his comm system, trying to gain his attention but the act was futile. He was too far gone anyway. He could hear Joe’s voice, trying to get him to breathe, inhale and exhale-inhale and exhale, as he fought the air to bring oxygen into his desperate body. He numbly turned his head to the right, all the colour draining from his face within seconds as he stared at the claw sticking out of his skin.

The blood. Oh the blood was everywhere. He could feel it trickling down the leather suit, staining the ‘already red’ suit a dark crimson colour. Barry screamed. The pain, no the agony of having that metal claw embedded into his flesh was awful. He wanted it out. Right. Now. His hearing was partially coming back, he could finally lock onto a couple more voices that were screaming in the Cortex, one of them being Caitlin, begging for him to run back. The pain was paralysing though, and he found himself lying there limply, slowly bleeding out against some crates. There were small intervals of a numbness so strong, it made him feel disconnected from his body, and it was also those times he wished no-one came to help him. He had let them all down. Wally was serving his penance in the speed-force. Because of him, Wally would suffer for an eternity in hell. 

His world was slowly darkening, he was finally getting what he deserved. A painful death. A light smile graced his face as he finally let go of reality, and succumbed to the looming darkness that was waiting for him, welcoming him with open arms.

* * *

He was welcomed back to the world of the living with intense screaming. The only difference was that it was no longer his team making the noise, it was the machines he was hooked up on. Barry tried to hold back his own scream, feeling the blade shift in his skin, tearing open his skin with ease. He barely registered anything around him. From Cisco grabbing his hand, squeezing tightly, to Joe trying to help Barry control his breathing and then to Julian and Caitlin, who were gathering all the tools they would need to remove the blade and patch him back up. If he trusted his voice, he would’ve begged for them to let him bleed out, claim it was justice for him letting Wally get trapped in the speed-force but he couldn’t, his voice would’ve betrayed him anyway. 

His hearing had finally cleared, just in time to listen to Caitlin’s diagnosis.

“The blade didn’t hit your organs, but it did shatter your clavicle”

There was no colour on Barry’s face. The world was moving so fast around him that, ironically, he couldn’t keep up with where to look, and he quickly found himself disoriented, and feeling his stomach churn from the way the room span. His eyes found solace in Joe’s, a fatherly protection in there. He always felt calm with Joe there. 

“We have to take it out” Caitlin said, rushing around to grab two pairs of latex gloves, preparing herself to rip the metal out of his bone.   
His shoulder felt like it was being ripped apart, and he unconsciously found himself agreeing with the idea to take it out, wanting that foreign object out of his body before his body healed around it. 

“Do it” He choked out, gasping for air as his throat tightened, cutting off his airways. He wanted that thing out, they had to get it out. The dark thoughts he once had looming in his head had gone, and he found himself wanting to scream and rip it out of himself if they weren’t going to do it soon. 

Barry felt multiple pairs of hands all around the top half of his body, trying to keep him lying still whilst Caitlin was going to get the blade out of him. Tears were forming in his eyes, the numbness he had felt earlier was returning, wanting to claim him whole as he listened to the pressure being added by the hands weighing him down. Cisco’s hand kept him grounded, keeping him from drifting away from it all. The lights were blinding as he finally recognised his surroundings. The med-bay. In S.T.A.R Labs. The tears wanted to so desperately drag down his face, wanted them to realise how much he was suffering without letting them in. 

He turned his head to the right, trying to erase the image from earlier, of him lying against some crates, blood forming a pool around him. Barry kept eye contact with Julian for a brief moment before Joe caught his attention. His left hand was stroking his temple, trying to bring his gaze up to him. When he saw the younger man’s eyes try to focus on him, he brought his right hand up. There was a roll of gauze in it. Joe guided it down to the Speedster’s mouth, his heart clenching as he saw Barry reach up for it, taking it from his grip from so much force that it took his hand down with it. The pain-filled eyes would forever haunt him. He hated seeing his son in such agony, but no matter how much he tried to protect him, it never worked.

Barry turned his attention back to his right. He felt the pain become unbearable as a pair of hands clasped on to it, preparing to rip it out of him. He wanted to make a snarky comment, complain about how they were finally taking the blade out of him but with from the rational part of his brain telling him not to, and with the gauze preventing him from speaking properly, he kept quiet, nodding to Caitlin as she made direct eye contact with Barry. 

He closed his eyes and tried to take a deep breath as Caitlin began the countdown, trying to control his emotions as he thought back to last year, when Zoom snapped his back in half, and dragged him all across the city. At least that pain was numbing, and after that, he hadn’t felt anything come close to the feeling of having your spinal cord snap like a twig. But then Savitar appeared, and he just so happened to know how to make the Scarlet Speedster suffer pain, in more ways than one. 

Barry screamed as loud as he could as he felt the metal begin to reslice his skin, dragging a lot of blood up with it. Taking it out felt worse than leaving it in, Barry thought. Then there was nothing. No pain. No feeling. Nothing. He could feel someone tapping his cheek, trying to rouse him but his gaze was fixed on the lights above him as his vision began to whiten out. He heard one last plea for him to ‘stay with them’ before he dropped off. Letting himself dive head-first into the void. 

* * *

Joe watched as Barry focused his gaze on the lights before they rolled into his head, lolling to the left as he gave it one last tap. The gauze he had pressed into his son’s mouth had rolled out, teeth indents clear as ever in the appliance. At least he was no longer in pain. He had questions. Thoughts on if his other son was dealing with a pain as horrific as that one, but he stayed by Barry’s side, keeping his mouth quiet as Caitlin stitched him up.

Iris had her eyes focused on Barry the whole time. He had hurt her, a lot but that didn’t mean she wanted him to get it 10x worse. She loved Barry with all her heart, and she never doubted his love for her, but she did question his true motives for wanting to marry her. She could hear Jesse muttering to herself, mentioning Wally’s name more than once.She just prayed that her brother was okay.

* * *

**_Feels like we’re on the edge right now_ **   
**_I wish that I could say I’m proud_ **   
**_I’m sorry that I let you down_ **   
**_Let you down_ **

* * *

_Barry smiled as he stared at his mother. She smiled back, kissing him on the forehead as she stood to leave his bedroom. He saw his father at his door, smiling fondly as he waved his son goodnight, dragging Nora away once they were sure Barry was asleep._

_He awoke from a noise. He sprang up in his bed, climbing out of it and towards the living room, where the noise was coming from. The screams could be heard all the way throughout the neighbourhood. Barry watched in both amazement and shock as a ball of lightning circled his mother, who was desperately crying for them both to run. His father turned to him, begging him to run, and then he was flashed away to the outside world, 10 blocks away from his house. 10 blocks away from the man in yellow._

_He ran as fast as his little feet could carry him, not stopping until he reached his house. The cops were there, none of them noticing the scared 11 year-old boy who managed to sneak past them all. Barry was frozen as he watched his father get led out of the house, cops swarming him as they pushed him into the back of one of the cruisers. Yet again, no-one had bothered to stop the young boy from entering the house._

_Barry ran into the house, his heart plummeting into his chest as he found the corpse. He slowly moved over to it, pulling back the tarp to reveal his mom, dead. Tears streamed down his face as he begged for his mother to wake up, wanting her to wrap her arms around him and not let anyone go near him. He felt shock grab at him from every angle, he didn’t notice the man who had wrapped his arms around him, he didn’t notice the same man pull the tarp back up to cover his mom’s face. A numbness fell over him, and he soon found himself complying to everything the detectives had told him._

* * *

**_All these voices in my head get loud_ **   
**_I wish that I could shut them out_ **   
**_I’m sorry that I let you down_ **   
**_L-L-Let you down_ **

* * *

_Joe sighed as he walked into Barry’s bedroom. He had been living with them for just over a month now, and he was still struggling to come to terms with what had happened. He had just been called back to the house from Iris. Apparently, Barry had had a bad side effect to the medication his new therapist had introduced him to. When he walked in, he was welcomed with the sight of Barry sitting on the floor, his head resting on his knees as he rocked himself back and forth, muttering incoherent things to himself._

_It had already been a stressful day, but Barry needed him. So he bottled up all the tiredness he felt and slowly approached Barry, crouching down just in front of him. Joe found the bottle of the pills Barry had taken and read the label carefully, shocked at how there was no information regarding side effects. He moved closer to Barry, reaching an arm out really slowly. The last thing he needed was for Barry to start spiralling because of him._

_He pressed his hand gently against Barry, already wanting to pull away as Barry flinched under the touch but he didn’t. Instead, he applied a little more pressure, stopping when he heard a whimper leave Barry. It almost sounded like a plea. The closer he got to his son, the more clearer the sounds were becoming. He was indeed pleading. But it was what he was pleading for that made Joe’s heart-break._

_“Please let me die” Barry whimpered, closing in on himself even more as he attempted to shield himself from the outside world. Joe pulled the younger man against his chest, sitting down properly as he held the kid in both of his arms. Why did he have to go through so much heartache? Barry was such a good kid, he didn’t deserve any of this._

_The pair stayed like that for sometime. Both too hurt to bother moving._

* * *

_**Yeah, I guess I’m a disappointment** _   
_**Doing everything I can, I don’t wanna make you disappointed** _   
_**It’s annoying** _   
_**I just wanna make you feel like everything I ever did wasn’t ever tryna make an issue for you** _

* * *

_Tears stung in Barry’s eyes as he refused to leave his room. It had been a whole year since his mother’s death, and all he wanted to do was just be alone for the day. He had turned 12 just 4 days ago, and he hadn’t wanted to do anything for that day either. Joe and Iris were really trying, they just wanted to see a smile on his face, but their attempts were futile. If anything, it made his mood a whole lot worse._

_Joe had given up banging on Barry’s door a long time ago, instead, he was trying to unlock it. Barry had been refusing to eat, he didn’t feel like he could stomach anything, the images of his mother’s lifeless body were refusing to leave his mind. Iris had tried convincing the hurting boy just before Joe started trying to pick the lock, she had been much nicer and respected his need for privacy on a day like today._

_Why didn’t Joe understand that he was broken?_   
_Why didn’t anyone understand that he just wanted to be alone?_

* * *

_**But I guess the more you** _   
_**Thought about everything, you were never wrong in the first place, right?** _   
_**Yeah, I’ma just ignore you** _   
_**Walking towards you, with my head down, lookin’ at the ground, I’m embarrassed for you** _

* * *

_The lightning crackled around his lab in C.C.P.D. Barry heard the rain pattering away after the news report he was watching regarding the particle accelerator, had been shut off, along with any other electronics in his lab. He walked towards the skylight in the room, careful not to slip on the puddle that was forming on the floor. He reached for the chains, beginning to pull on them when he suddenly froze. Barry watched as some of the chemicals he had in his lab floated in the air, then they all fell back into the beakers and test tubes. He hesitated as he turned his gaze back to the open skylight, it reminded him of what had happened the night his mother had died. His fish tank’s contents were all floating as he woke up. The roar of thunder above him brought him back to the present. As he restarted closing the skylight he froze once more, the chain was suddenly clean, as if they hadn’t been soaked with rain just moments before._

_The sky roared once more and Barry looked up, his eyes widening in shock as the lightning bolt shattered the glass window, the warmth the lightning bolt radiated traveled down the metal chains, burning Barry’s hands just before the lightning bolt made contact._

_He was flung back, colliding with two shelves and then it all melted away from him. The last thing he remembered was his head colliding forcefully with one of the shelves and then it all vanished from him._

* * *

_**Paranoia, what did I do wrong this time? That’s parents for you** _   
_**Very loyal?** _   
_**Shoulda had my back, but you put a knife in it, my hands are full** _   
_**What else should I carry for you?** _   
_**I cared for you, but** _

* * *

_Barry watched in horror as the ice blast headed towards the civilian. There was no way he was fast enough to make it. His chest burned as he tried to beat the ice, he was heaving for breath, hoping that he could get there in time._

_Snart watched as Barry raced to save that man’s life. He smiled as he walked away, this was the perfect time for him to leave seeing as everyone had their focus on the man who was just seconds away from losing their life._

_The whole auditorium was silent as they watched the ice penetrate the man’s skin and dug into his flesh, piercing itself into the man’s heart. Barry felt the world around him freeze as he stared at the man’s face. There was no way in hell he was going to survive that. Barry crouched down beside the dying man, tears streaming down his face as he heard the man struggle to breath, choking on his own blood. Neither of them noticed the red substance that began to trickle out of the man’s mouth. He gasped for air once more before the light in his eyes dimmed, his chest falling._

_Was this how his mother died? Did she even stay alive for that long? Did she have a painful death like that man had?_

* * *

_**Feels like we’re on the edge right now** _   
_**I wish that I could say I’m proud** _   
_**I’m sorry that I let you down** _   
_**L-L-Let you down** _

* * *

_Barry and Caitlin walked into the Cortex, both of them still reeling after what had happened the previous night with the karaoke and the drunken mess that was also known as Caitlin. They were both wearing smiles on their faces, but they were immediately gone when they noticed the unsure looks on both Dr. Wells’ and Cisco’s faces. Of course, both of them were used to the expressionless face of Dr. Wells, but with Cisco, it put an uneasy feeling in both of their bodies._

_After hearing why Cisco had released Hartley, neither of them had it in their hearts to be mad at him. After all, he just wanted Caitlin to be happy. That’s all Barry wanted for her too._

_Caitlin, Cisco and Dr. Wells huddled around one of the computers as Barry’s phone went off. The trio didn’t think anything of it, Barry had received many phone calls before and they were either job related or just Iris yelling at him for constantly being ;late to their meetings in Jitters._

_Barry’s heart dropped as he heard the warden at his father’s prison tell him the news. He barely registered the call ending as he tried to gather his thoughts on the situation. This wasn’t happening. This. Was. Not. Happening._   
_“My-My dad’s been stabbed”_

* * *

_**All these voices in my head get loud** _   
_**I wish that I could shut them out** _   
_**I’m sorry that I let you down** _   
_**L-L-Let you down** _

* * *

_Barry was sat in the pipeline, his knees were drawn to his chest and his arms were wrapped around them, forming a little ball. His eyes were red-rimmed, the tears that had poured out of them just moments ago were long gone, the only way you could tell that they had spilled down his pale face were the tear stains, decorating his face._

_“You okay?” Joe asked. He was worried about Barry, ever since it had been revealed that the tricksters had taken his father, he had been uncharacteristically quiet, and he didn’t like that._

_After a moment of silence, Barry spoke up, “Do you think that my dad is still alive?”_

_“Yes,” Joe replied instantly, sitting behind Barry on the other side of the step, “yes, yes he is, of course he is”_

_“Jesse only took your pop to use as leverage” Barry nodded, “he might be crazy but he’s not stupid”_

_Barry knew he was trying to make Barry feel better, but realistically, they were dealing with criminals here, who had been planning the great escape for almost a decade, they had planned every last moment of it for it to go smoothly._

_“And everyone upstairs is looking to find him” Barry remained staring at the empty pipeline cell. He was not about to break down again, he had done that already. No matter how scared he was, no matter how much he wanted to contradict Joe, he was not going to break down._

_“So,” Barry started, his voice was rough, “now I’m supposed to just, leave my dad’s fate in the hands of a man who may have had something to do with my mom’s murder”_

_It was true though. How was he supposed to trust everyone in the Cortex if one of them had been involved with his mother’s death. That was too much for him to even think about._

_Barry sighed, it caught his throat though, “Joe, I can’t do this”_

_Tears were forming back in his eyes but he held them back, he had already cried too much over what was going on anyway._

_“Yes, you can” Joe said sternly, he wasn’t going to let Barry continue his little self-loathing parade._

_“It just doesn’t make any sense,” Barry’s voice was raised, anger was dripping off of each word, “I mean if Wells is a murderer, then… Why does he want to help me stop so many criminals? Or saved Ronnie?”_

_Barry struggled to find the right words, his head all over the place as he tried to come to grips with everything. He was biting the inside of his cheek, trying to contain his emotions. This was just all too much for him, he needed a break._

_“Why didn’t I see this?” Joe could tell his son was angry, not at Wells, or him, but at himself. He was angry at himself for not seeing how Wells had played them all, how Wells had played him. It was a betrayal he didn’t need, nor deserve._

_“I spent a tenth as much time as you did,” Joe spoke calmly, although his voice was slightly raised in pitch, “and he almost had me believing in him”_

_“Almost” Barry repeated, his voice was void of no emotions, it was just cold._

_Joe sighed, “look, whatever else he is. He is Harrison Wells. You love science, he is science. It’s like you made best friends with Einstein”_

_“You’re saying that I wanted to be tricked” Barry realised._

_“You, always wanna be the person who sees the best in people,” Joe explained softly, “I’ve been a cop for 25 years and all I can see, is the flaws, the lies, the dark thoughts that people think I don’t see… I wish I could be you”_

_Barry’s face was all scrunched up together as he fought back the tears that were readying themselves to fall full speed down his face. He listened to Joe’s words, taking every single one and mulling over them._

_“As fast as you are, that is your real power. Don’t let Wells take that from you… I don’t know why he’s helping us, all that matters is that he is” Joe added._

_“I can’t lose my dad, Joe” Barry choked out after a moment of silence. He curled into himself, his head resting on top of his knees as he let the tears fall. He couldn’t lose his dad. He’s all that he has left._

* * *

_**Yeah, you don’t wanna make this work** _   
_**You just wanna make this worse** _   
_**Want me to listen to you** _   
_**But you don’t even hear my words** _

* * *

_Barry watched as life left his mother’s body once more. He had spoken to her, revealed to her that he was okay. He thought it was bad seeing her lifeless body after the accident had happened, but this was worse._

_He wanted to cry forever, to scream until the universe brought her back but he was unable to move, instead, he stayed huddled against his mother’s body, his whole body shaking as he failed to compose himself enough so he could run back to the future and see everyone’s faces when they realise he didn’t change the timeline, and in fact, watched his mother die a painful death._

_Why was the world this cruel to him? Why did he always have to suffer?_

* * *

_**You don’t wanna know my hurt, yet** _   
_**Let me guess you want an apology, probably** _   
_**How can we keep going at a rate like this?** _   
_**We can’t, so I guess I’ma have to leave** _

* * *

_The demonic claw that collided with his spinal cord was the only warning he got. His legs suddenly gave out from underneath him, his body plummeting to concrete. He laid splayed on the ground as he tried to figure out what the sudden numbness in his body was. His mind was barely coherent, even if the problem solving part of his brain was awake enough, he still wouldn’t be able to figure it out._

_Barry could barely make out the voice of Harry Wells and the ping of a gun before he felt something enter his bloodstream in two different places, and soon enough, the world melted away from him._

_Reality was a chore to grasp on to as he was dragged around the city like a ragdoll. He blinked once his eyelids were fully functional and they were in the precinct, he could barely make out the silhouettes of Patty, Joe and Singh as they aimed their guns at the Speedster. That was the last thing he remembered before everything fell apart._

_Barry blinked once more, this time surprised to realise that they were at C.C.P.N, Zoom was clearly wanting this story to make the front page of the newspaper. He wanted them all to see how their saviour had fallen. It all melted away once more, and he thought that this was the end, he thought his time was finally up._

_The next time he opened his eyes, he was in S.T.A.R Labs, Zoom’s hand was crushing his windpipe as he held up the limp speedster like a trophy. Barry felt something dig into his abdomen, making his eyes fly open as he stared Zoom in the eyes, trying to see if there was even the slightest glimpse of remorse for his actions. He wanted to, he truly wanted to tell everyone he was okay but everything vanished after he barely made out Cisco nailing Zoom with the speed dampener._

* * *

_**Please don’t come after me** _   
_**I just wanna be alone right now, I don’t really wanna think at all** _   
_**Go ahead, just drink it off** _   
_**Both know you’re gonna call tomorrow like nothing’s wrong** _

* * *

_The view from the canyon was grand, the waterfall there was beautiful. He would’ve enjoyed it more had he not only ran there so he could scream on the top of his lungs. Jay was Zoom. Zoom was Jay. The man who he had put his trust in was the villain, it should feel like deja vu, right? Wrong. He felt even more hurt than he did with the whole Harrison Wells--Eobard Thawne nonsense. Zoom had physically left him for dead, Thawne had a twisted reason to not hurt Barry._

_Zoom had destroyed him. Taken his confidence away from him, and he would never forgive him for doing that. He knew his team had heard the anguish in his voice as he yelled out all the hurt he had stored up. This wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. Not only had Jay betrayed Barry, and the team, but he had hurt Caitlin. Jay made her so happy, and he had just ripped all of that away from her. If he couldn’t get Zoom for his own personal need, then he’d do it for Caitlin._

_He’d make sure Jay pays for what he’s done._

* * *

_**Ain’t that what you always do?** _   
_**I feel like every time I talk to you, you’re in an awful mood** _   
_**What else can I offer you?** _   
_**There’s nothing left now, I gave it all to you** _

* * *

_Speeding back to his old house, Barry’s chest was tight. He had just chased down Zoom after he phased his hand through his father’s heart. It hurt to breathe, and it felt hurt to think._

_Tears were already streaming down his face as he entered the living room, his eyes staying on his father’s limp chest. He wanted to go to him, begging him to wake up, but he couldn't. He was physically frozen in the same spot, the entire scenario playing out in front of him once more._

_Barry was too far gone to realise that Joe and Iris had turned up, the former grabbing the man and holding him away from it all as Caitlin and Cisco set to work on placing the tarp over Henry. His hearing had gone, he didn’t hear Iris speak to him, he didn’t hear Caitlin informing Cisco to grab the shock blanket out of the van. What he did hear was his dad’s final words, over and over again. It felt like they were taunting him._

_Joe grunted as Barry’s legs gave out from underneath him, the young man finally slumping against him. Any last reserves Barry had were long gone, instead, his eyes began to droop, and his head lolled against Joe’s knees and he let himself get picked up by Joe, he was too weak to move after what he just watched. He didn’t know how he was going to recover from this._

* * *

_**Feels like we’re on the edge right now** _   
_**I wish that I could say I’m proud** _   
_**I’m sorry that I let you down** _   
_**L-L-Let you down** _

* * *

_“I need you to kill my mother” Those words taunted him in his sleep. He felt like an awful human being for wishing for his mother’s death. In the flashpoint paradox, he had felt whole for the first time since he came out of the speed-force. He had everything he ever wanted. His mom and dad, he went on an actual date with Iris, but this wasn’t the life he imagined. Wally was The Flash, he and Iris were a brother-sister crime fighting unit and Joe was depressed, drinking all of his issues away._

_As happy as he was in that alternate timeline, it had a rippling effect on everyone else around him. He couldn’t do that to everyone he cared about._

_So he reset the timeline, but the cost of it was dire. He had to beg for Eobard Thawne, his prisoner, to kill his mother. Eobard did indeed kill Nora Allen, but it still didn’t correct the timeline. There were holes in the story, Wally wasn’t The Flash, but instead he had welcomed the world to the ‘God of Speed’, the first speedster and his priest, ‘Dr. Alchemy’. Dr. Alchemy used the philosopher's stone to restore the powers people had in Flashpoint. Another fault from Flashtime was that Cisco’s brother, Dante, had died in a car accident and Caitlin had uncontrollable powers that gave her an alter ego; ‘Killer Frost’._

_This was all Barry’s fault, and he’d have to live with that guilt for the rest of his life._

* * *

_**All these voices in my head get loud** _   
_**I wish that I could shut them out** _   
_**I’m sorry that I let you down** _   
_**L-L-Let you down** _

* * *

_When Caitlin had told Cisco the truth about Flashpoint, he knew his and Cisco’s relationship was going to go down, heck, that’s why he didn’t even react when Cisco had shoved him out of hurt, anger and betrayal. Whilst everyone else watched in shock at how Cisco treated Barry, he didn’t care. He deserved it. He ruined Cisco’s life, he deserved all the pain that he could get._

_After their talk with Caitlin, Barry had split off from the others. He couldn’t bring himself to be in the same room as Cisco, especially after the events from this morning. Joe had tried to go after him, but Barry walked away faster, ignoring Joe’s calls for him to slow down. He just really wanted to be alone right now._

* * *

_**Yeah, don’t talk down to me** _   
_**That’s not gonna work now** _   
_**Packed all my clothes and I moved out** _   
_**I don’t even wanna go to your house** _

* * *

_The Dominator attack.. The day Barry Allen had lost all of his friends because of Cisco Ramon. He knew why he mentioned Flashpoint, and he knew why Cisco had taken it upon himself to listen to the audio message back and start this conversation. Everything was Barry’s fault, and no matter how much he attempted to fix all of his mistakes, he only made more._

_Maybe that’s why he was planning on sacrificing himself to the Dominators; because he deserved to die. Barry Allen deserved everything that happened to him, so he deserved the chance to have a ‘heroic death’; of course Oliver and the others had to make sure he didn’t continue his suicide mission. It was part of the superhero job, to protect those around you._

_Yes, maybe he should’ve told Iris he loved her. Yes, he should’ve explained the situation to those who had taken care of him from a very young age but he knew if they knew, then he wouldn’t have even considered this the way to die. But, he wanted to die. He needed to serve for his crimes, and the only way he could was by being 6ft under the ground. It was justifiable._

* * *

_**Everytime that I sit on that couch** _   
_**I feel like you lecture me** _   
_**Eventually, I bet that we** _   
_**Could have made this work and probably would’ve figured things out** _

* * *

_Barry remembered being in the time vault as the others went after the President. He was busy staring at the Newspaper as Oliver walked in, he had refused to go after the president without Barry. He trusted Barry with his life, more than he trusted anyone in that entire room._

_He could see the weight of the world resting on the younger man’s shoulders, and he could clearly see the way it weighed him down. He wanted to get that pressure and place it onto himself, Barry didn’t need to deal with that._

_Even in the way Barry talked, he could tell the younger man was struggling. Sure, he had messed up, but it was a mistake, and he just wanted to feel whole again for once in his life. The boy had lost his father just days before, he had every reason to want to be whole again. He was broken, lost, and he just couldn't take the heartache anymore so he did something about it. But, he made everyone else hurt in the process. Oliver felt bad for the kid, he really did. He forgot that actions have consequences, that’s all that happened, and now, he was being belittled for something that was no longer in his control. Oliver knew first hand how that felt, after he returned from the island, he had been blamed by both Quentin Lance and Laurel Lance for dragging Sara on board the Gambit and for her death but that was out of his control when he returned. As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t bring her back. He had to live with her death on his conscience, and that’s what was happening to Barry with Dante’s death. He would forever have to carry the weight of so many deaths on his shoulders from a simple, life-changing moment._

* * *

_**But I guess that I’m a let down** _   
_**But it’s cool, I checked out** _   
_**Oh, you wanna be friends now?** _   
_**Okay, let’s put my fake face on and pretend now** _

* * *

_Barry remembered it all so clearly. He remembered the way his chest caved in as he watched Savitar plunge one of his demonic claws through Iris’ back, just narrowly missing her heart by millimeters. He watched his future self race to try and save her. He could hear the pleading his future self made as he reached Iris’ weakening body, just begging for her to stay with him. Barry wanted to scream at the top of his lungs, make himself known to the world as he saw the future version of himself break down, the love of his life’s limp body held close to his chest._

_He froze as Jay Garrick, the speedster from Earth-3, pulled him back into the present, not bothering to comfort the shaken young man as he struggled to come to grips with what he had just witnessed._

_Savitar was destined to kill Iris in a couple months' time, and Jay wanted him to keep quiet about what he had seen. It threw his mind back to the 2 weeks he, Cisco and Harry had decided to not mention the catastrophe of what had happened the day before the return from the adventure to Earth-2. The thought of Joe West dying on his behalf over there had eaten him up inside, caused a raging storm to consume him whole as he found himself battling for control as the storm inside threatened to destroy him. It had taken him so long to finally give in to his family’s concerns and he eventually opened up about watching the man who had raised him die right in front of him. It really didn’t help that just before he chose to, they had been attacked by King Shark, claiming he wanted The Flash._

_Both of the West’s, who knew he was The Flash, were sympathetic towards the Speedster as they heard the re-telling of what had happened that had changed him. But with this, with him watching Joe’s little girl suffer something so traumatic it ended her life, he doubted either West would hold some sort of sympathy towards him. He wanted to, he wanted to so desperately tell Joe it all, but Iris had told him to keep his mouth shut, and so he did._

* * *

_**Sit around and talk about the good times** _   
_**That didn’t even happen** _   
_**I mean, why are you laughing?** _   
_**Must have missed that joke** _

* * *

_The hurt Barry felt when Joe attacked him for not telling him about Iris’ fate hurt. He had made yet another mistake, but in his defence, he had actually wanted to personally tell Joe about the whole thing. It was Iris who didn’t._

_He knew why Joe pinned the majority of the blame on him, as the others (excluding Iris) hadn’t grown up in the West household. The others didn’t grow up with Joe, he had. That’s why it hurt him more, because Barry was his son, and he failed to tell Joe that his daughter was destined to die in a few months._

_That was another burden Barry had to carry._

_If he wanted to, if he truly wanted to, he could’ve thrown Jay under the bus, he could’ve defended himself by explaining that Jay had told him to keep quiet about the whole thing but he didn’t. He just couldn’t bring himself to drag another person into Joe West’s wrath. Especially when said wrath was based off of the thought to protect his daughter from the world._

_That was the first time Barry felt as if he had truly let Joe down._

* * *

_**Let me see if I can find a reaction** _   
_**No, but at least your happy** _

* * *

_As long as everyone else in Barry Allen’s life was happy, what did it matter that he was forcing the same worn out smile everyday as he tried to reassure everyone he wasn’t losing his mind over the fact that Iris was supposed to die on May 23rd._

_He began to spend even more time at S.T.A.R Labs, trying to figure out every single way he could try and save Iris before her demise. He was going to save her. Iris was his main priority right now, he couldn’t lose focus right now, the price for a single mistake was too costly._

_The speedlab became Barry’s best friend as he tried to improve his speed as best as he could if worse came to worse. None of them noticed how he began to skip a meal every now and again, simply feeding himself with those disgusting calore bars that really did nothing to fix his glucose levels. It was fine though, they were all trying to save Iris’ life in the long run, so he could skip a meal every now and again as long as she got to live._

_Iris was his lifeline, he didn’t know how he could function without her._

* * *

_**Feels like we’re on the edge right now** _   
_**I wish that I could say I’m proud** _   
_**I’m sorry that I let you down** _   
_**Oh, I let you down** _

* * *

A soft huff brought Barry back into the world. His eyes were heavy, refusing to open as he tried to test his body, his mind still not coherent enough to process the amount of pain radiating from his shoulder. 

Barry’s eyes finally fluttered open, his unfocused vision landing on all of them. When Barry’s eyes landed on Joe, they all saw the tears that were building up inside his eyes. They all saw how he had to turn away to prevent himself from breaking down. Barry was strong, but he wasn’t strong enough to cope with another burden, that actually, he shouldn’t have to bare. Wally had also made a mistake, he had given into Savitar’s plan yet, no-one dared to contradict his movements, they all allowed him to get sucked into the speed-force without a single word on how ‘selfish’ he was. Whereas, with Barry, he made one mistake and was crucified for it, everyone suddenly lost their trust in him. Same as what had happened with Caitlin, she had kept the philosophers stone without consulting the team, because she believed it could remove her powers, so no-one was upset with her. Barry had tried his hardest to fix his mistake but no-one was that understanding for him. 

“I might be able to do something with this,” Cisco said, holding up the metal blade that was once tearing through his skin, hoping to make him hurt as much as he had made those around him hurt.

Barry trained his focus back onto the burned suit in his foster father’s hands. Memories of how he had let down his brother plagued him, yet he refused to move his gaze somewhere else, the tears beginning to stream down his pale face once more. 

After Jesse had run out after hearing Joe’s pleas to Barry, Joe had left also, he couldn’t bare to help his other hurting son. Whilst Barry was his son, they were brought together by a tragedy, whereas with Wally, they were brought together because he really wanted to meet his father. He wanted to make a good impression with Wally, rather than be there for both of his sons. 

Iris stared at the tears forming in Barry’s eyes, she couldn’t be there for him, no matter how much she tried. Barry had lied to her, and she couldn’t deal with that.

* * *

_**All these voices in my head get loud** _   
_**And I wish that I could shut them out** _   
_**I’m sorry that I let you down** _   
_**Oh, let you down** _

* * *

Caitlin stared at her patient once everyone had left, she had to apologise, she just had to. The whole reason as to why Savitar was able to escape his confinement was because he had access to the philosophers stone, and the reason that had happened was because she had kept it for her own personal use.

“I’m sorry” She began, her voice tight as she attempted to hold back the fresh wave of tears building in her eyes.

“My fear is the reason for all of this” Barry spoke, tears happily cascading down his face as he finally gave into the grief, the pain, and the exhaustion. He let himself break, knowing this was what he deserved. He’d get Wally back somehow. He couldn’t bare that burden much longer.

Wally was serving for his penance, but he wouldn’t be for much longer.

* * *

**_I’m sorry_ **   
**_I’m so sorry now_ **   
**_I’m sorry_ **   
**_That I let you down_ **

* * *

_**This is by far the longest One-shot I’ve ever made but I hope you enjoy it and I do not own NF’s song ‘Let you down’.** _


End file.
